Molly Ringle, writer

2012-01-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

Best Indie Novels I Read in 2011

Instead of a "Best novels I read last year" post, as I've done in the past, I'm going to do things a bit differently and list only the small-press and self-published novels I've read. These authors are not only lovely people, each and every one (and I know because I've either met them or corresponded with them online), but will appreciate it far more if you support them, whereas Liz Gilbert ain't gonna notice if we boost another few copies of Eat Pray Love. (Which I did read this year, and mostly liked, but hey, you've already heard of that.)

Go see my Goodreads profile if you want to find the reviews for *all* the books, famous or not, that I've read lately. Otherwise, here are the indies that can use your help and are actively seeking avid fans. Most are available as paperbacks, and all (I think) as ebooks, and please do find one that'll make a great gift for someone you like--or a treat for yourself. So, in no real order...

The Hambledown Dream, Dean Mayes. Two young men's souls, one living and one dead, fuse into one body, linked by a passion for music and the love for a certain woman in Australia. Will he find her again, across the borders of death (not to mention the International Date Line)? Literary fiction meets paranormal romance. Made me weepy in a happy way.

Dark is the Sky, Jessica Chambers. This was such a skillful "ensemble cast" novel, full of all kinds of characters in a dysfunctional family. I was gripped by both the sympathy for their sufferings and misunderstandings, and the burning need to find out what exactly happened on that tragic day that damaged everyone so thoroughly. Intricately plotted, and written with a gorgeous sense of setting, this book is a sure bet for those of us who grew up on darkly romantic stories like Rebecca.

Shadow of a Distant Morning, William Topek. I don't usually like film-noir-ish detective stories, but this one rocked. The protagonist was super-smart, funny, and human, and the plot was devilishly intricate, while the violence was kept to tasteful levels. Great historical detail too. Come visit Kansas City in 1934--but bring a bulletproof vest.

Tallis' Third Tune, Ellen Ekstrom. Beautifully written, this novel takes the ordinary life of a twentieth-century woman and turns it into a poignant, surreal ride through the afterlife and our own world. Makes you ponder what you'd do differently if given the chance to alter your past. And, of course, makes you hope our heroine will find a way to end up with that one romantic, sweet musician who got away. (This year I also read Ellen's Armor of Light--a magical-historical retelling of the legend of St. George and the dragon. Tolkien fans, give it a try!)

Counterpoint: Dylan's Story, Ruth Sims. Oh, fans of historical slash, this one's for you. Nineteenth-century Englishmen in love against all odds, while trying to pursue respectable careers in music. What's a virtuoso to do? Non-graphic as far as the sexual content, but still highly romantic--and heartbreaking at times.

Letters from Wishing Rock, Pam Stucky. When Ruby, stinging after a broken engagement, moves to a quirky little Puget Sound island town where everyone lives and works in one big apartment building (which is in fact the town's *only* building), she knows life is about to change. And Pam Stucky shows the change--along with some trips to Scotland and other far-flung locations--in a story told entirely in the form of emails; a modern epistolary novel. With some free recipes. Delightful overall, with a "Northern Exposure" vibe.

Between, Cyndi Tefft. Outlander fans, take note: those of you into historical Highland men in your paranormals, sexy accents and kilts and all, try Cyndi Tefft's book on for size! Modern college freshman Lindsey, upon her death, meets such a fellow in the realm between heaven and Earth, and they're instantly attracted to one another. But the rules of "between" mean they'll have to be torn away from each other...unless they can find a loophole.

Priscilla the Great, Sybil Nelson. Got a smart, sassy middle-school kid on your gift list--or anyone, really, who enjoys fun superhero stories like "The Incredibles" or something Joss Whedon might write? Snap up this book, which has some truly funny, and definitely original, twists on the usual "kid superhero" tale. Adventure for the whole family!

Roeing Oaks, Kristina Emmons. Here's a good one for fans of sweet historical romance. Emmons begins with the unusual (though historically factual) premise of auctioning off one's wife, and follows through into the disinherited daughter's mission to reinstate justice to her family. Luckily there's a kind and mysterious rich man willing to assist her...cue the Cinderella romance!

Amber Frost, Suzi Davis. Ready for an all-out young-adult swooningly romantic paranormal novel? Well, here you go--and it's set in our beautiful Northwest but is blessedly free of vampires and werewolves! The paranormal element is still quite magical, but subtler and more original. The young hero's skin does NOT glitter, I am happy to say. Rather, he has black hair, tattoos, earrings, and regular warm blood in his veins, on top of a private-school uniform, and possesses a sweet and philosophical temperament with just a hint of danger. Totally squee-worthy. Sequel is now out, too! I am excited.

The Gentleman and the Rogue, Bonnie Dee and Summer Devon. Last but certainly not least, male/male lovin'! Yaaaaay! Yes, it's erotica, be warned. But it's well-written erotica. It has, like, an actual plot, and realistic, likable characters. (And sizzling Scenes of Adult Intimacy. Aplenty.) Bonus points for the authors' research on street cant of the times. The linguist in me enjoyed that.

* * *

Now. Weren't those some beautiful book covers? I tell you, great work is being done out there. Round of applause to authors, indie publishers, and cover artists! Happy holidays!

2011-09-28T17:51:00.001-07:00

Sweet! I've apparently nailed down my own little corner of Harry Potter searches on Google.

One of the most common search terms that land people on my webpage is "what did ginny catch percy doing." In case you don't recall, this question references Chamber of Secrets, in which Ginny giggles secretively about something or other she walked in on Percy doing. At the end, it's revealed that all he was doing was snogging Penelope Clearwater. Yawn.

But! Not until today did I run that Google search myself ("what did ginny catch percy doing"), and my parody of Chamber of Secrets comes up as the very first result--at least when I run it. To the tiny degree I understand Google, I gather results may vary based upon the user's location, browsing history, and who knows what else.

Still, kind of amusing and cool. And I suppose it means I need to pick up Prisoner of Azkaban again and get back on that parodying horse. I apologize for the long delay on that. It actually takes longer to compose the parodies than to read the books, is the reason. That and having novels of my own to write and market. I know; excuses, excuses.

2011-09-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

What was I thinking? Writing from a male, British, 18-year-old point of view, when I'm completely not any of those things?

Well, in my defense, I was once 18, and that's when I dreamed up Daniel Revelstoke and began writing about him. I stole his last name from the swashbuckling-sounding name of a small town in British Columbia, which we drove through once on a family vacation. I made him English, because then his accent and tousled Cambridge-student-ish hair would make him instantly hot. I gave him a zeal (and a talent) for attracting and seducing girls. And, of course, I made him fall in love and change his ways--while dealing him some payback for those broken hearts and white lies in the past.

Nearly all women, young and old, are soft on the Don Juan character--or the Casanova, or ladies' man, or whichever label you prefer. Why? Because they're good at charming us females, of course! Naturally we can't hate them altogether when they're so good at buttering us up. But we also want to be the one who changes the Casanova, the exception to his rule. It's a common romance trope, actually. But, darn it, it's huge fun to write and read, if you ask me.

I've lived with Daniel, and his co-stars Julie and Sinter, for half my life now, so the publication of this novel at long last is a momentous personal occasion, even if the book itself is still mostly a lightweight, if twisted, romantic comedy. Oh, it's not the same manuscript I scrawled when I was 18, not by any means. I weeded out the pointless, meandering scenes and the excessive girliness, and gave Daniel's voice a chance to sound at least halfway masculine. Upon the advice of actual English people, I upgraded his dialect so he sounded modern and not like a character from a 1940s movie. (I used "bloody" instead of "damned," for example.) I cranked up the tension throughout, as well as the comedy, and toned down the soppiness. And I ended up loving my Don Juan more than ever in the process. I hope you do too. (And his roommate Sinter--oh, some days I love Sinter even more. He'll get his own novel before long. I just have to go in and revise *that* one from basement to ceiling.)

RELATIVELY HONEST came out as an ebook on September 15. Grab it on Amazon and hopefully other sites too, soon!

2011-05-07T17:54:00.001-07:00

A reminder: I seldom come by here and do updates. So the blog to add to your "follow" list (it even works on Blogger) is this one: http://lemonlye.livejournal.com/

Thank you!

2011-02-22T14:59:00.001-08:00

Thanks to my friends and family scurrying to cast their votes over at the Preditors & Editors site, I placed as a top 10 novelist of 2010 (heh!), and my novel What Scotland Taught Me placed as the #5 young adult novel of last year!

In celebration of this honor, I'll be giving away a free ebook copy of What Scotland Taught Me, with a (scanned) personalized signature, to one lucky winner, chosen at random from those who comment upon this post. (PLEASE COMMENT ON THE LIVEJOURNAL VERSION TO MAKE SURE I SEE IT!) Simply enter your comment before March 1, 2011, and upon that date I'll let the random number generator select a winner. My publisher can provide the file in any of the major ebook formats, so don't hesitate on that account.

Thank you so much to those who voted, and of course to those who have already enjoyed the story and let me know about it.

2008-02-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

*cracks open the door and airs the place out*

My goodness, I've neglected this blog for years. Nice of Blogger to keep my spot for me.

And now I might be using it again, at least in conjunction with The Wild Rose Press's blog (http://thewildrosepress.blogspot.com/), for that press is soon to be my new publisher!

The novel is a paranormal love story called THE GHOST DOWNSTAIRS and my highly romancey synopsis goes thus:

After making a fatal mistake on the job, Lina Zuendel seeks shelter in a Seattle assisted-living facility as their live-in nurse. But peace is not what she finds. She soon hears tales of ghosts haunting the house, and of two tragic deaths that took place in the 1930s.Unexplained events send her to ask questions of the handsome resident houseboy.

Ren Schultz, a seemingly young live-in houseboy, tries to avoid his growing attraction to the new nurse. His secrets are too dangerous to share, no matter how lonely he has become. But Lina is persistent, and soon uncovers dark truths that no one else has dared to face.

As their attraction grows, so does the intensity of the paranormal activity. Can their love survive the mysteries that lurk in the old sorority house?

More to come on the book later, including the cover design, which I await with glee. The Press has been a delight--and a fast delight--to work with so far, truly refreshing in the slow, impersonal world of publishing.

Meanwhile, I still hang out at my Livejournal (http://lemonlye.livejournal.com), so come see me there if you like.

Cheers,

Molly

2003-04-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

If anyone is wondering what happened to the posts here, well, I wish I could tell you. I tried to fix the archives, which, you'll notice, are STILL not showing all the available weeks, and what happened? Why, the latest posts vanished from the front page, of course. And nothing I have done has been able to bring them back.

So, I have given up on the blog for the past few weeks, and am unlikely to add any more to it unless I decide I have a hell of a lot of free time to spend on HTML and messing about with irrational blog templates. Chances of having said free time are slim, given the two term projects and thesis revisions I must do this term.

Anyway, why would I want to bother, when I have my trusty LiveJournal, which has never given me half so much trouble in the year I've had it as this blog has given me in one month? So, find me there. Sorry, but that's just how it is.

2003-04-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you encounter crossover or alternate-universe fanfics in which the Internet or TV or some other modern innovation (e.g., hair dryers, usually in conjunction with Pretty Elves) exists in Middle-Earth. So here's my flippant off-the-cuff list of...

Top Ten Advantages of Introducing Modern Technology to L.O.T.R.

Come add your own!

2003-03-30T11:25:00.000-08:00

Back to Lord of the Rings silliness...

Sorry to keep posting images, but these Photoshop jobs of other actors playing the LotR characters are really funny. Julia Roberts as Arwen. Russell Crowe as Aragorn. Tobey Maguire as Frodo. Leo DiCaprio as Legolas.

And, naturally, Sean Connery as Gandalf:

2003-03-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld: My husband and I have an active love life, and I'm generally satisfied, but sometimes I'd like him to go "down there." —Kate Waterman, Enid, Oklahoma

Secretary Rumsfeld: Down where? I'm here to answer legitimate questions about sex in a frank and candid way, but I'm not doing this just to waste my time. Do you mean your belly button? Your knees? Your toes? Boca Raton? Argentina?

um...

bwahahahaha!

From Esquire: "Sex Tips from Donald Rumsfeld"

2003-03-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

Tell me your favorite albums

(I'm doing this as a poll on LiveJournal, and even though blogs are not very conducive to polls, I thought I'd put it here anyway. You never know who might want to respond.)

I took a survey like this 5 years ago, on a Cure mailing list (was anyone else here on Babble?), and ended up with quite the list of albums from a few dozen Cure fans. But the times have changed, and I want a new vote from new people.

I won't give you a quota or a limit. Tell me your favorites, whether it's just two albums or twenty. Any genre. And you can organize them into two categories, if you wish: Recent Favorites, and All-Time Favorites. (Because I know they're not always the same thing.) In a week or two I'll give a final tally of the votes.

Here are mine for the day...

Recent Favorites (i.e., have played them a lot lately and really enjoy them)
Doves - "The Last Broadcast"
Stone Roses - "The Complete Stone Roses"
film soundtrack - "Hedwig & the Angry Inch"
Also an Enya mix CD and a David Bowie mix CD, which probably don't count.

All-Time Favorites (i.e., CD's so good that I don't dare listen to them too much, for fear I'll ruin it)
Pulp - "Different Class"
Dead Can Dance - "Within the Realm of a Dying Sun"
Michael Nesmith & The First National Band - "Complete"
The Divine Comedy - "Casanova"
This Mortal Coil - "Blood"
The Cure - "The Head on the Door" (felt like I should choose a Cure album...which one, will depend on the mood
The Who - "Tommy"

2003-03-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

Tonight, a cookie recipe.

Got an email a while back, which contained, supposedly, the top-secret Neiman-Marcus chocolate-chip-cookie recipe. This was an urban legend; if you haven't heard about it, Snopes.com explains it better. Or, if you want the actual Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe, you can have that too: it's never been a secret, apparently.

Anyway, although I soon learned it was merely an urban legend, the original emailed recipe looked kind of good, so I adapted it, changed some stuff, and came up with this, which is of course TOP SECRET. So top secret that I'm posting it on the internet.

URBAN LEGEND CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

1/4 c. butter
1/2 c. peanut butter (Replacing some of the original butter w/ peanut butter makes it much healthier, and tasty too. Unless of course you're allergic to peanuts, in which case it makes it toxic.)
1 c. brown sugar
3/4 c. sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
2 c. oats
2 c. flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 TB cocoa powder
1 TB instant coffee crystals/powder (the Secret Ingredient, I think)
8 oz. chocolate chips

Cream butter with both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix in dry ingredients. Add chocolate chips last. If too dry, add tablespoons of milk one at a time (3 TB did it for me).

Roll into balls, and press onto a greased cookie sheet. These don't spread much, so you can place them rather close together. Bake 10 mins at 350. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.

Let me know how it goes, if you try it.

2003-03-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

This has apparently already made its way all over BlogSpot, but it's my one claim to something resembling fame, so I'll repost it here...

Title: The Ten-Minute Two Towers
Author: Molly J. Ringwraith (a.k.a. Molly J. Ringle, Molly Winter...)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A somewhat condensed parody version of the film 'The Two Towers.'
Disclaimer: The Tolkien characters are not of my creation.
Warnings: Serious spoilers!
Author's note: I LOVED this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes...

CARADHRAS

GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?

BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.

GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year...

EMYN MUIL

SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.

SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.

FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?

SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...

FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.

GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.

SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!

SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.

GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.

FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.

GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?

SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.

RIDDERMARK

EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...

LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.

ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..?

EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.

ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...

EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.

FANGORN FOREST

MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!

PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.

TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!

TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.

FANGORN FOREST (next day)

GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?

ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!

LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!

EDORAS

MOLLY: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.

THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.

GRIMA: That's the way I like it.

GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!

THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.

GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.

ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.

EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!

ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.

EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.

ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.

EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP

LEGOLAS: Wargs!

LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.

GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?

LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.

ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.

GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!

ARAGORN falls off cliff.

LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!

ITHILIEN

SAM: Gollum is such a freak.

FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.

SAM: What? He IS a freak.

FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?

SAM: Why are you picking on me?

FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know.

SAM: What the HELL?

FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.

SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing...

FRODO: Oh, spare me.

FRODO stomps off.

RIVENDELL

ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.

ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.

ARWEN: Why do you say that?

ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.

ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.

ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.

HELM'S DEEP

ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.

LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?

ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.

RIVENDELL

GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?

ELROND: Yes, speaking.

GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.

ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?

GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo.

ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.

GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.

ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter...

GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.

ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call.

GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?

GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?

ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!

GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.

ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something?

GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep.

GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?

GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.

GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable.

HELM'S DEEP

LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.

ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.

ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.

LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.

ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.

(Ten minutes later)

LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.

ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.

LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?

ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?

FANGORN FOREST

PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...

MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.

ITHILIEN

SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.

GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!

SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.

GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.

FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest.

SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill.

GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...

FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.

SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney...

FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!

GOLLUM: Where?

SAM: Where?

FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?

FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home.

FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.

HELM'S DEEP

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows.

ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...

GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.

LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!

HENNETH ANNUN

FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?

FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.

FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?

SAM: His gardener.

FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?

SAM: Exactly.

FRODO: Righ-What??

HELM'S DEEP

ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people...

LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.

ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.

GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!

ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?

GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!

ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...

GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!

FANGORN FOREST

TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing.

PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...

MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!

PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.

MERRY: Am I? Thanks.

TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.

PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.

MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN)

PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?

TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.

OSGILIATH

FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.

FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it-this time I'm cutting your throat.

SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...

FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.

SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.

FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.

FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.

SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...

ISENGARD

TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place.

TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!

MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.

PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.

SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character...

HELM'S DEEP

GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.

ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!

GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.

ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.

SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced...

FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam...

ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though...

EOWYN: What?

ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.

ISENGARD

TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once.

OSGILIATH

SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-

FRODO: SAM!!

SAM: What?

FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.

SAM: Oh. Oh, good.

EN ROUTE TO MORDOR

SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.

FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.

SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?

FRODO: Yes?

SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.

FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.

SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?

FRODO: Yeah. You like it?...

GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses...

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"?

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP!

2003-03-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

Hello, world.

I have been needled and nettled into getting a blog by some of the finest minds in the country, so it seemed wise to comply. I will most likely fill this space with Truly Interesting And Sometimes Disturbing Things. For mundane chit-chat about my daily life, try my LiveJournal (http://lemonlye.livejournal.com), as that seems to be what LJ is for.

Here's hoping the comments feature continues to work. (*knock on wood*)

Ciao,
Mol